kidnapping Max
by Zawayix Falconer
Summary: This is why nobody lets me get bored. normal people think "Hmmm... I'm bored, I'm going to go play video games" or "I'm going to go draw random doodles" but i think "hmmm... I'm going to go write a book about myself kidnapping a fictional character"
1. Attempt 1

Kidnapping max

* * *

WOO HOO! First fan fiction EVER! I'm kind of exited about this if you can't tell

Cale: Joy, i'm related to hypper

Me: Do you have an issue with me being hyper?

Cale: no

Me: Good, now on with the story.

Disclaimer: Ahhh, boredom in it's finest.

Most of these characters are not mine. The main character is, but that would be because it's me.

* * *

Attempt 1.0  
Hee hee. They will never guess I'm here. This is the most perfectest (that's not a word is it?) plan ever... Family barbecue in the back and Max is in her room alone, reading or something... I don't know what she's doing really, but she's not outside with everybody else, so she must be inside.  
Ok, around to the front door, pick the lock and... Bingo! I'm in.  
You'd think Dr. M would do a better job protecting the flock... Oh well.  
Now to sneekamafy my way down the hall... To the room... And...  
''Who the hell are you?''  
Damn, forgot about the other Martinez.  
''Um... Would you believe me if I said real-estate''  
''Ah, no''  
''Damn''  
So, me, being the smooth sneaky ninja I am... Ran for it.  
Attempt 1.1  
Holy crap! That was one hell of an explosion! I wonder how they did that... Maybe I should kidnap Iggy instead... Hmmm... Nah.  
Ok, after making a few... Modifications to my plan, I have decided to add one thing... A weapon... DUCK TAPE!  
*audience commentary*  
Man 1: wtf? Duck tape? Its duct tape, moron  
man 2: really, learn to spell  
me: no, it's duck tape. Duct tape is used for ducts; duck tape has its own martial art  
man 1: whatever, this is bogus... Why'd I pay to get into this again?  
Me: cuz you're a nice person and want me to be able to feed my kids  
Man 2: what kids? You don't have any kids!  
Me: ummm... No comments from the peanut gallery!  
*show continues*  
Ok, must me sneaky ninja... Ella's in the back yard now... So is everybody else and the two dogs... Except Max. Maybe she went to the store...  
Nah.  
Sneaking into house... Front door is still open. Good, makes my job easier. Again with the down the hall stuff.  
''BARK BARK GROWL!''  
Ah crap. How many dogs do these people have? Ugh. *uses duck tape, hog ties dog*  
Thirty seconds, Iggy probably heard that. I have thirty seconds.  
Walk to max's room. Open the door and... She's not there.  
Gosh fracking dang it! (Yes, I did say ''fracking'' got an issue with it?)  
Well this sucks.  
''Who tied up Akila?... With duct tape?'' why doesn't anybody know its duck tape! My word. Well, can't run to the door... Going to jump out the window.  
And run. I'm done trying today.

* * *

Constructive criticism is appreciated


	2. Attempt 2

Me: So, i'm on chapter two now

Cale: Joy

Me: Well, did you want me to stop at chapter one?

Cale: Yes

Me: Oh, fine. Be mean. Maybe I won't let you be in my next story

Cale: Oh, god, there's more?

Me: There will be

Cale: Gosh dang it

* * *

Atempt 2.0  
Ok, so a front door enterence didn't work... Maby a ninja santa type thing? Yea, i'll go down the chimney!  
Now, when should i do this? Hmmm... Ooo! I know! I'll start a forest fire and blame it on Iggy and Gazzy. Mua ha ha ha ha!  
Hmmm... What to use, what to use... Oh, i know! Napalm. I think i have some right... *digs through closet* here!  
Ok, now to get to the house.  
-later, at Dr. M's house-  
Ok, now i'm here. Set the napalm here... And some here... A little more here... String between them... Walk a long way away... Light string... Bingo! Ok, that'll buy me, oh, 5 minutes or so with how good these people are with fire.  
So, when the family comes rushing out, i grab max and run away...  
''Who are you?''  
''Ack! Talking dog!''  
''Yes, i'm a talking dog... With wings! Hey, Fang! Why dont you pop out of the shadows and help me here''  
Crap... Busted.  
*runs away*  
Atempt 2.1  
Ok, so i need to look out more. Otherwise i'll get busted again. So, my napalm should still be in the forest... Hmm, i think i forgot about my chimney idea... Oh well. Maby later. Where did i leave the napalm? Ah, there it is  
*lights, runs like hell*  
Where did that phrase come from anyway? Oh well, not the time to be thinking about that.  
5...  
4...  
3...  
2...  
1...  
''FIRE!''  
Called it.  
Ok, there's Dr. M first... Folowed by iggy, then gazzy. Ella, fang, total, who is spitting on the fire... Wow really total? And then max! Maby i'll actually acomplish my goal toda- ''oof!'' getting hit in the gut is not fun.  
''Who the hell are you?''  
Cant... Breath... ''I... I...''  
''Why are you here?'' it's jeb... How long had he known where i was?  
i finally was able to breath and managed to run away... Again. Ugh, this is geting anoying  
Atempt 2.2  
Ok, now i have a good plan... And get to pull a santa clause! Let me hear y'all say woot!  
Ok, check list  
-me. Check  
-duck tape. Check  
-rope. Check  
Ok, i'm good... Going down!  
If you've never climbed down a chimney, please stay safe and keep it that way. Belive me, it's not comfertable.  
Ok, climb down chimney via rope: done  
ok, sneeking down the halway... To max's room... Opening door... Whats tugging on my shirt?  
''Who are you? And why do you want to go into max's room?''  
Oh, jeez. How hard is it for these people to sleep?  
''Ummm... I need to get something she borrowed from me''  
''And you are?'' Angel, That was her name.  
''Ummmm... My name is Bob'' a lie, but it works.  
''No its not. Whats your real name?''  
Gosh dang it. Another foiled max kidnapping atempt.  
''INTRUDER!'' Angel screamed, i started running for my rope and quickly scrambled up it, just barely making it out side before they all caught up with me.  
Instead of tying up my rope, i just left it hanging down the chimney. I'll get it back later

* * *

R&R please


	3. Attempt 3

Ok, so this is only really atempt 3.0, the rest of attempt 3 (3.1, 3.2 and so on) will be about the actual atempt

Cale: Why did you continue past attempt 2?

Me: because i'm bored and this is actually kinda entertaining

Cale: Oh, spare us the inhumanity

Me: hey, your in this one!

Cale: oh, god

Me: you don't seem very grateull

Cale: Since i'm in it, i'm probably going to get injured some how

Me: so?

Cale: just give the people the story already

* * *

Attempt 3.0  
Soooo booooored... Gah, I'm not sure I want to attempt to kidnap Max anymore, I'm all out of ideas.  
Ok, no I'm not, but all my current ideas are flawed.  
Examples:  
-Digging a trap hole  
takes too long, I would get noticed.  
-Running for governor of Arizona, then summoning Max to be my secretary  
Yea, I might get one vote... Mine.  
-Kidnapping her at the store  
if I was overly strong or had a net... Ok, I'm working on a duck tape net, but that might take a few months.  
-Taking an army of random people and capturing the house  
Again, we'd get noticed.  
''Cale! I'm out of ideas!'' Where is that kid when you need him?  
''Sucks to be you. And don't yell, I'm right here''  
''Joy. Do you have any ideas?''  
''No, but I'm not a creeper that randomly decides he needs to kidnap a bird girl... Why do you want to kidnap her anyway?''  
''Cuz I'm bored''  
''And what do you plan to do to her if you actually succeed?''  
''Take her to dinner or something... I don't know!''  
''Shuuuuure you don't.''  
''Ew! No! Not what I was thinking!''  
''Uh hu. We'll go with that answer''  
''Are you calling me a pedophile?'' I got to admit, I was getting pretty pissed.  
''Yes''  
''Screw you''  
''please don't''  
*attempts to suck brains out with a bendy straw*  
''Why are you trying to eat my brains?''  
''Because I'm pissed''  
''P.M.S.!''  
''Do you want me to shoot you with my nerf darts of doom?''  
''You couldn't hit me if you tried!''  
*shoots*  
*cale writhes in pain*  
''Anyway... Maybe I should try to see where they are traveling next...''  
*cale is still in pain* ''How are you going to do that?''  
''Hack into fang's blog''  
''Nerd''  
''Thank you... Oooooh, they are going to Alaska!''  
''Why?''  
''You expect me to know the answer to every question?''  
''Yes''  
*shoots again*  
''(profane language)''  
''It's probably to let Iggy have some temporary sight''  
''fun''  
''Cale, pack your bags we are going to Alaska!''  
''Oooh! Do I get to see Russia from my house?''

* * *

Cale: Told you i'd get hurt

Me: And? you called me a pedophile!

Cale: so? you are! your trying to kidnap a 15 year old!

Me: yea... a 15 year old fictional character not to be used for that purpose!

Cale: if you say so.

Me: To all you readers out there, I've got a poll up to see what the duck tape martial art should be called. vote for your favorite!

R&R please


	4. attempt 3 part 2

And here we are again!

Cale: still?

Me: yes. get over it, this story isn't over yet

Cale: but your still on atempt 3!

Me: so? at least i have a story now!

Cale: true

Me: Just mentioning, Cale calls me "Z" in this chapter, Z is short for Zawayix. it's what people call me. kinda like when sombody calls a person named Matthew "Matt" or Joshua to "Josh"

Cale: This is true

Me: on with the show!

* * *

Attempt 3.1  
Woo hoo! Alaska!  
Ok, so I'm not there yet, but getting there is half the fun, right?  
Oh, and I'm dragging Cale along too.  
''Why do you want me to come along?'' Cale complained.  
''Because I need somebody to hold down the fort,'' I replied. He's been complaining all day.  
''You could have at least gotten plane tickets.''  
''What? Don't you like driving?''  
''Not constantly''  
''Well, I can drive'' I was hoping he'd let me.  
''Ah, no. I like living... Why am I driving you again?''  
''Because you want to help out your bestest brother evah''  
''No, if that was it, we would still be home.''  
''Ok, how about because I have duck tape and my nerf darts of doom in my backpack and you really don't want me using them''  
''Oh, fine.''  
''Good.''  
We spent the rest of the trip listening to the radio.  
Attempt 3.2  
Yay! We finally made it to our hotel... Long day. Mental note: don't sit in a car more than 24 hours, your head starts to hurt.  
*fast forwards to getting to the hotel room*  
Ok, now that that done...  
''Hey Cale!''  
''What now?''  
''Can we go get something to eat? I'm starving.''  
''If you want food, you go get it.''  
''Ok!''  
''WITHOUT the car.''  
''Damn.''  
''And, Z?''  
''What?''  
''You should know by now sneaking the keys doesn't work.''  
Damn.

* * *

Me: attempt 3 still is'nt over!

Cale: gol dang, why can't the insanity just end!

Me: because i'm still bored. oh, i fixed the poll btw, NOW its on my profile (still trying to figure out how ff works)

R&R por favor


	5. attempt 3 part 3

Me: FINALLY!

Cale: What?

Me: I'm finished with attempt 3!

Cale: took you long enough

Me: yea... wow, attempt 3 has 3 chapters and... *counts on fingers* 1... 2... 3... 5 parts! (including point 0 of course)

Cale: great... now will you end the story?

Me: HAIL NO!

Cale: Ugh...

* * *

Attempt 3.3

*watches flock via telescope*

''Damn they are good fliers''

''Yerp.'' Cale, always coming up with new words.

''Did you just say 'yerp'?''

''Yerp. Got a problem with that?''

''Maybe i do!''

''Well, thats your problem. You came up with that word, genius.''

oh, right. Oops.

''So, whats your plan this time?''

Ok, now why is Cale suddenly interested in my plans? ''Since when do you care?''

''Since i got bored sitting around here watching you.''

''Creeper''

''Hey! I brought you here, i'm going to make sure you don't get arrested, i can't afford it.''

''Whaaaat ever.''

''Hey, Z?''

''Yea?''

''Could you do something interesting please?''

''Genius takes work! Now shut up! I'm busy watching the flock fly!''

*Cale looks very annoyed*

''Soooooo boooooored.''

''Cale, do you want to do something helpful?''

''What is it?''

''Run to domino's and get us some pizza... Actually, make it papa john's, i want cheese stuffed crust.''

''Snobish pedophile.''

''I still have my nerf darts!''

''I'm going, i'm going!''

''Good!''

Ok, now that he's gone... Where did i put that jet pack?

Attempt 3.4

Ah, nothing like flying through the air completely unprotected... I would have hijacked a helicopter, but me tinks they would have noticed something that loud... Damn super sensitive hearing.

Ooooh! I can here them laughing from here! Sooooo close and...

''Z! What the f¢£ are you doing with that jet-pack!''

Damn it!

''Get your $$ back here right now or i swear to god your going to die!''

Aaaaaand...

3...

2...

1...

''Scatter!'' I am so good at guessing when the flock notices something... Could have been successful here too.

*sighs* oh well, I suppose i still need a ride home... Better start sucking up to Cale if i don't want to take a grey hound.

* * *

Me: OH! i almost forgot something!

Cale: What now?

Me: Kiyla's coming out with her own story tomorow... what was it called again?

Cale: how the heck am i suposed to know? she's your girlfriend!

Me: true... *texts*

Cale: so whats the name?

Me: *is still texting*

Cale: ugh... you know, we could just give them her author's name and have them look her up... and then tell them she's favorited on your profile

Me: true say... ok, her author's name is kiylanightblade595, and, yes, she is favorited on my profile. I might be able to post a title tomorrow... apparently she hasn't made up a title yet

Cale: *eye roll*


	6. Attempt 4

Aaaah, back again... No thanks to Sir Complainsalot over here.

Cale: What did i do?

Me: You totaly ruined my perfect plan! I was THIS close to getting Max!

Cale: Yea, and you were 300 feet off the ground in an unstable jetpack... AND i kinda like NOT being interrogated by cops.

Me: Whatever, i kick you out in this one anyway.

Cale: WHAT?

Me: Big day for Kiyla! go check out her story! (look her up: kiylanightblade595)

* * *

Attempt 4.0  
''CAAAAAALLE!''  
''What now?''  
''Have I told you how much I hate you recently?''  
''The whole way home''  
''That's not enough!''  
''Ok, let me know when you're done ranting'' *puts in earplugs, reads book*  
*Muffled yelling*  
''Done yet?''  
*More muffled yelling*  
''Nope''  
-later-  
''Done ranting?''  
''For now... You still owe me that pizza.''  
*hands moldy slice of pizza*  
*shoots with nerf dart of doom*  
*rolls in pain* ''where do you keep getting those f-ing darts?''  
''two sources: I reuse them and I bought a 100 pack of nerf darts last week that I very easily turned into more nerf darts of doom''  
''Joy''  
''So when do I get my pizza?''  
''I just handed it to you!''  
''If that's your payment, leave me alone until I find another task for you.''  
''Fine'' Cale says as he walks out the door.  
Ok, now that he's gone...  
Attempt 4.1  
He he he he. I finally finished my duck tape net. Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
This situation couldn't be more perfect... I'm on the roof above the door, nobody knows I'm here (I checked to make sure earlier), and Iggy and Gazzy are playing with plutonium in the woods. Now after they...  
BOOOOOOOOOOM!  
That's my cue!  
I wait on the roof as everybody rushes out of the house...  
Fang...  
Angel...  
Max...  
Max?  
*Throws net*  
*Max screams in surprise and terror* ''Help! Help me!''  
Damn, this was supposed to be easy. I slide down the rope that I climbed to get on the roof...  
And get hit in the gut, by a rock...  
But it wasn't a rock...  
IT WAS A ROCK MOBSTER!  
Damn.

* * *

Lol, rock mobster.

Cale: I don't get it...

Me: *Duck tapes mouth shut*

Cale: Mrfff rrrgggg!

Me: So, anyway... Special prize to whoever posts a review with my song reference!

R&R! you know you want to!


	7. Attempt 4 part 2

Me: Sorry to all you faithful followers out there, i have not had internet for... when was the last update?

Cale: it was saturday, i think.

Me: Yea, i have not had any internet since saturday, so i haven't been able to update at all... it was starting to bug me actually

Cale: And me! So bored... well, we did get to listen to radio showes.

Me: Have any of you listened to those things? It's like TV only on the radio. Of course, they did brodcast over 60 years ago...

Cale: yea, they are hard to find.

Me: OH! so, i know a few people tried at the song reference

Cale: Yea, sorry people, you were all very close

Me: the reference was rock lobster... i don't exactly know who it's by tho

Cale: We might do another one later

* * *

Attempt 4.2

Waking up in a dark room is not fun. I don't even like dark rooms... Slightly claustrophobic... And not the santa clause version ether.

So, as implied, i woke up in a dark room... Tied to a chair... With my own duck tape. Damn you too irony.

i hate the smell of defeat in the morning.

''WHERE AM I?'' yea, cuz yelling always works

''In our basement.'' Apparently it does once in a while... Was that Max's voice?

''Why am I here?''

''And thats the million dollar question.'' Max again. ''The answer to which only you know.''

''I hate riddles.''

''Why did you try and trap me in a duct tape net?''

''DUCK tape, it was DUCK tape... Duct tape is for fixing ducts... Duck tape has it's own martial art!''

''What is this oh so great martial art then?''

''So far? The un-named duck tape martial art.''

''It doesn't even have a name?''

''Hey, don't judge me. I can't decide between 4 names and the people on fan fiction won't vote.''

''Uh hu. So, why were you trying to capture me in a 'duck' tape net?''

''Tell ya what. You let me out of here and we can discuss it over dinner.''

''How about not.''

Damn... How are you going to get out of this one, Z? ''Could you at least turn a light on?''

And a light flickered on.

Turns out, the Martinez-es-es-es basement isn't actually as creepy as i thought it was. There was a lamp next to me, Max was sitting in a chair across from me, and the rest was storage.

''So, again with the question. Why did you want to catch me in a duck tape net?''

''It...''

''Yes?''

''It was a dare. From my older brother. I told him it was a bad idea, but he said i'd get a thousand dollars if i did it.''

''A thousand dollars? You did this for a thousand dollars?''

''Hey! That was a 1lot of duck tape! I spent at least... $20 in duck tape alone.''

''I don't care. Tell you what. I'll let you go, but if my family or i catch you around here again... It's off with his head.''

* * *

Me: Sorry about the short chapter, it looks longer on my phone

Cale: That roughly translates as: i typed it up and was too lazy to make it longer

Me: -_-

Cale: what?

Me: Aaaaaaanyway... i'm having a competition with my step bro-

Cale: Zakara

Me: yea, him... the contest is to see who can get the most reviews. I'm not sure if his story is up yet, but i don't care. PLEASE REVIEW SO I CAN WIN!

Cale: please review so he will shut up

R&R kudasi? (please in japanese. Yes, i am just that epic)


	8. Attempt 5

Me: WOOT! Chapter 8! never thought i'd try this hard to capture a fictional character

Cale: So why don't you just stop now?

Me: Because it annoys you

Cale: Fine, Shutting up now

Me: Good. Hey, how long has it been since i brought out the nerf darts of doom?

Cale: Not long enough

Me: Ok, that means way too long... too bad i didn't think of that earlier or they'd be in this chapter

* * *

Attempt 5.0

Ok, again with the blog hacking. Where are they going to go next... Damnit! No where... Maby i could stir up some trouble... Yea.

''Cale!''

''Long time no talk, Z. Whats up?''

''I need help typing something official-looking.''

And of course... He burst into laughter. ''Why... Why... Why do you need... To do that?'' he managed to spit out between fits.

''So i can lurw the flock away. You help me and we can go where ever we want.''

He became serious about this ''Your paying, right?''

''I'll even buy plane tickets.''

''To Japan!''

Attempt 5.1

Ah, Japan... 5 years ahead of us in gameing technology and artistry.

We'd beter hit an arcade while we are here.

Well, we're not there yet, we are still on the plane. I hate riding on planes. I'll leave out the boring plane ride, because i slept most of the way anyway.

Getting off the plane was hell, considering Cale made shure we packed enough clothes and personal suplies to suply hati for a week. And we had to sit in the back of the plane, because all the other seats were taken. Who came up with the seating arangements on planes anyway?

''Finally! The hotel!''

''Yes, Z, you are actually seing it. I told you you wouldn't die before we got here.''

We went inside and checked in and all that jazz.

I just love flopping onto those hotel beds, so comfertable.

''Cale! Get your own bed!''

He laughed ''homophobe.''

''Yes i am, get over it.''

''Ok, ok. I'll be in the other room, cooking.''

It was a big hotel room, so i didn't mind that so much.

Then i fell asleep.

* * *

R&R por favor


	9. Attempt 5 part 2

Me: Sorry for taking so long with this update.

Cale: we kinda had a crisis...

Me: wow, we agreed for once

Cale: that happens once in a while

Me: since when?

Cale: true.

Me: so, anyway...

in the past however long it's been to update i have:

Broken my phone

Lost all of my origional copies of Kidnapping Max

Paid $200 for a new phone

and broke my arm.

Sucks to be me, right?

Cale: Yea, now try being dead and getting shot by an over-powered nerf gun and a nerf dart of doom every five seconts.

Me: oh, stop complaining. I don't shoot you in this chapter

Cale: Really?

Me: oh, believe me, i tryed

Cale: KNEW IT!

* * *

Attempt 5.3

JAPAN! WOOT!

I love Japan. I'm not sure why, I just do.

Now then, on with the plan.

"When did we say we'd meet them?"

"5 minutes ago"

"And they aren't here why?"

"Because they figured out it was a fake. Duh!"

"Do you like nerf darts of doom?"

"What do you want me to say? That they are late because they just hired on two new recruits, one of which is really fricking hot the other of which looks exactly like you with wings?"

"Considering that seems to be the truth…"

"What?"

I handed Cale the binoculars and pointed out that the flock was flying slower than normal because A) they had two new recruits B) one was so beautiful I was about to die… um… again. And C) the other one looked like me. What the hell?

"Why… How the… huh?" Was all I could hear Cale say.

Then there they were.

All of them.

Max, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, Angel, and the newbs (That's there new name untill I can figure out what their names are). I'm hiding in the bushes to the left. Max would recognize me as soon as she saw me.

* * *

R&R would be really nice


	10. Attempt 5 part 3

Me: SHORT CHAPTER!

Cale: Yea, and i'm still not getting shot. YAY!

Me: do you want me to try? cuz i'm sure i could if i tryed.

Cale: no, thats ok. I think you get injured in this chapter. YES! ITS NOT ME THIS TIME!

Me: Shut up. I swear you're next.

Cale: ...

* * *

Attempt 5.4

And… I forget the plan. Of course on the ONE plan that MIGHT work, I forget what we were supposed to do.

Damn.

… Why is my phone buzzing?

Text: "I know you're behind those bushes. I'm not stupid, you know. Step out from behind the bush, I let them come for a reason."

Busted. "Cale, we've been busted! Get out of there!"

I've never run so fast in my life. Ever. Period. See? Period. That little dot at the end of each sentence. I don't have A.D.D. I swear!

So, anyway… Running… Running… falling.

Crap.

Crap, damn, and every other swear word known to man…. And some unknown too. Yea, I get bored.

Anyway, I'm falling down. From a cliff… that I ran off. This kinda sucks.

SNAP!

Why does my arm hurt?

Sliding on the ground. There go my jeans.

* * *

Me: Yes, i am trying to match my current condition, thank you very much.

Cale: told you you got hurt

Me: thats it!

*shoots with nerf dart of doom*

*Cale rolls in pain*

R&R before cale gets back up


	11. Attempt 6

Me: this is almos like my doctor's visit... yes, i really did have vikoden... and i really did hate it. it's just wrong!

Cale: Yea... good thing you're off of that crap now

Me: Did you just agree with me?

Cale: No...

* * *

Kidnapping Max

Attempt 6.0

I broke my arm.

My arm is broken.

And Cale won't stop poking it!

"Why can't I just heal in peace?"

"Karma"

"Have I ever told you I hate you?"

"Not in the last second"

*poke*

"you're going to die"

*poke*

"Seriously, if this arm gets better, you're dead when I get up"

"Yea, IF!"

*poke… poke… poke… poke*

*shoots with nerf dart of doom*

*rolls on floor*

*shoots again*

"No more!"

"Told you to stop poking me!"

"I won't poke you any more! I swear!"

"Alright… But if you do, I'm shooting you untill you have to be bed ridden like me."

"Fine… Wait, you're not bed ridden."

*death glare*

"ok, ok."

Stupid arm… Stupid pain… Stupid boredom… Although, vikoden is kinda nice. Loopy! Lalalalala! Super crazy! Muahahahahaha!

Attempt 6.1

Daaaaaaamn…

Is that really what I acted like? I officially hate vikoden. Disgusting… Guess that's another reason I'm not ever doing drugs…

Anyway, I'm done with my preaching now… Who texted me when i was behind the bush? Why did they want to talk to me?

... And why the hell am i asking my self all these questions?

I guess I'll find out later.

* * *

R&R please


	12. Attempt 6 part 2

Me: I tried to make a longer chapter this time...

Cale: Took you a while to write...

Me: I'm writing it left handed in math class! What do you expect?

Cale: For you to get better at wrighting left handed.

Me: I'm a righty for any of you that didn't know

Cale: on with the chapter... i kinda like this one

Me:... we'll argue about this after the chapter

* * *

Attempt 6.2

I'm… Still… LOOPY!

God, does this stuff never wear off? I can't even plot! I can't think straight…

Duck tape! Fun. I think I'll make a hat…

God… GAH! Brain… Won't… WORK! That's it! I'm going to try to sleep this crap off.

Attempt 6.3

"You poke my arm one more time and I swear your arm will be the same amount of broken!"

"Big words coming from a cripple"

*Shoots with nerf darts of doom*

"Small words coming from a guy rolling on the floor"

"No… More… GROIN SHOTS!"

"No more poking my arm"

"… Deal" *punches arm*

"… You have three seconds to live"

"See ya!"

"That's what I thought"

Attempt 6.4

So BORED! I can't do ANYTHING!

… I can't even use duck tape. That's just sad!

… I wonder who's knocking on the door. "Cale! Door!"

*No reply*

"I know where you are, just answer the door."

Mental note: Cale can fit in a coffee table. How the heck…?

"Hey, Z!"

"What, Cale?"

"Visitors!"

"I swear if it's that kid from science class I'm gonna…"

"It's the flock"

*Shocked expression*

* * *

Me: Why did you like that chapter so much?

Cale: Cuz you get hurt

Me: I answered your cell while you were away... your results came back sterile

Cale: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY LIFE IS OVER! I CAN NEVER HAVE KIDS!

Me: *Roflmao*

R&R and i'll tell Cale i was lying


	13. Cale's attempt

Cale: Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha! Z hasn't gotten back from school yet, and he left his fanfiction account open. Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha

so, i'm going to take this time to tell you what happened a few days ago...

yea, haloween is coming up, but i was able to post this one now, and i doubt i will be able to on haloween... Z won't give me his password

enjoy!

* * *

Cale's attempt  
Happy Halloween to everybody!  
... Except Z. Poor kid.  
Let me explain: our family has a habit of exchanging gifts on Halloween. Kinda like Christmas, but its more... Halloween-y. I normally get everyone a pretty awesome gift, but this year, I failed. I told Zawayix that we could capture Max... Finally. It was my Halloween gift to him... But it was early. Whatever, crap happens.  
We were walking through the woods... In Texas. Why I thought they would be in Texas is still a mystery to Z. The funny thing is, he should've found the information on his own. It was on the front of his news paper.  
Anyway, we were walking through the woods, and we see these HUGE explosions! So, of course, what do we do? We go try to find what's blowing up. Duh! What did you expect? Running? Nah, Z's too stupid.  
We get to the area (how did we know it was the explosive area? Lets just say Zawayix got an r.p.g. *Scared face*) as we get to the big exploded area, we saw the flock all thrown against different trees and shrubberies (would this be a bad time to say ''ni''?)  
Yes! Finally successful!  
We captured the flock... That had apparently just gained two members. I can't tell you which is which... I didn't see their faces before we tied them up in their black hoods.  
We tied them up, threw 'em in the back of my truck, and drove home.

Cale's attempt.2  
thinking this is Cale ending Z's book? Well, its not... Of course.  
So we got them home, and we put the flock in one room, and the new boy and girl into their own room. Don't want anything... Interesting happening if they get untied. More bird kids would be an issue.  
Z and I were sitting on the couch, relaxing from a good day's work, when he looks out the window, and sees the flock flying away.  
Damn

* * *

Zawayix is still in the contest with Wings (wings of destruction97) so R&R so he can win!

peace out!


	14. Attempt 6 part 3

Me: Cale?

Cale: yeeeess?

Me: why is there a new chapter on K.M?

Cale: ummmmm... would you believe me if i said that it was Adam?

Me: My hacker friend? i havn't talked to him in a year

Cale: ... damn

Me: enjoy the story while i kill Cale

* * *

Attempt 6.5  
Why is the flock here? At my house? While my arm is broken? Well, I guess I'll figure out.  
Max: are you Zawayix Drac Falconer?  
Me: the one and only  
cale*mumble*: thank god  
me: do I need to get the nerf darts of doom?  
cale: how would you reload with one arm?  
Me: do you want me to bite you then?  
cale: sparkly vampire  
me: I DON'T SPARKLE!  
Max: are you two done?  
Me: so long as he shuts up...  
cale: no...  
Max: SHUT UP!  
Me: why?  
Max: cuz, for once, we are in a bit of a predicament that, regrettably, we need your help with  
me: ... When did you become smart?  
Max: we need your help  
cale: I'll help!  
Max: are your initials z.d.f?  
Cale: ... No  
max: then you can help Zawayix if he decides to help us  
me: what do I get out of it?  
Max: ... What do you want?  
Me: what are you offering?  
Max: don't play this game, I don't have patients  
me: but you probably don't have another choice  
max: *glare*  
me:*glare*  
fang: *fang mega-glare*  
me: fang that's cheating!  
Fang: *fang mega-glare*  
me: ok, fine. I'll help you for... A hundred dollars  
max: money? That's it?  
Me: now that I think about it... Fifty dollars and fifty rolls of duck tape  
max: thank god... I thought it'd be worse  
me: what did you think I wanted?  
Max: I thought it would be more... Sexual  
me: *taken aback* why the hell would you think that?  
Max: isn't that why you've been trying to kidnap me?  
Me: haiiiiilll no! I mean, you're hot and all, but I'm taken. I'm just kinda bored  
max: oh... *blush*  
me: why does everybody think I want to sleep with max? I ain't no pedophile  
fang: *super-glare*  
cale: that was a double negative... So...  
me: say it and I WILL kill you and drain your blood so you don't come back  
cale: PEDIPHILE!  
Me: *shoots with nerf dart of doom*  
... Damn this arm. Can't reload

Attempt 6.6  
me: why don't y'all come in for a minute  
why are they here? Well, I'll figure out  
me: so, are the terms reasonable?  
Max: 50 dollars and 50 rolls of duck tape? I think we can do that.  
Me: good... Now, what am I doing?  
Max: earlier this month we took in two new members. Both had been experiments of itex. They turned out about as well as we did... They got kidnapped two days ago...  
iggy:... And we thought ''the best way to catch a kidnapper/murderer/rapist is to hire one to hunt it down  
me:... Did you just call me a rapist?  
iggy: yea, what you going to do about it, cripple?  
Me:*attempts to reload nerf gun*... Damn it! Why must my arm be broken?  
Cale: cuz you're too obsessed with-  
iggy: raping max  
Everyone-except-Zawayix:*burst out in hysterical laughter*  
me: ... I really hate everything right now

* * *

Me: OH! good news i have to tell you all! My arm's better!

Cale: *in pain with multilple nerf dart of doom wounds*

Me: with no help from this guy. but, for pourposes of the story, and the fact that it's still on the same day, the story me still has a broken arm.

R&R? Please? Do i have to beg? pretty please with a cherry on top?


	15. Attempt 6 part 4

Me: this is why i'm not nice to most people!

Cale: it's not my fault you helped them... i just went with to help eat the candy

Me: THERE WAS CANDY!

Cale: oh... um... no?

Me: you're dead

Cale: ...yea, ever since you've known me

Me: *i'm-going-to-kill-you-stare*

Cale: see ya!

* * *

Attempt 6.7

I never would have helped the flock if I had known it meant I would be hanging from a rope… over a cliff… above a vat of acid… with fleas.

Yes, fleas. I have f-ing fleas in my hair! I'll bet they have the plague too. This day just can't get worse!

Cale: Zawayix!

… it just got worse.

Me: are you the only one available for my rescue?

Cale: … yes

Me: Damn

Cale: Hey! I don't like it ether. Just grab the rope.

Me: I'm a little tied up at the moment!

Cale: oh… right… crap.

Me: here's an idea! Put a big iron hook on the end and try to hook the rope

Cale: where am I going to get a big metal hook?

Me: I saw one on the wall behind you. I have no idea why, but it should work

Cale: ok… yea, it's here

Me: My duck tape should be on the desk

Cale: why is there a desk and a giant hook at the top of a cliff?

Me: how should I know? Maybe this is where Sarah Palin spied on Russia from!

Cale: Sarah Palin? Where?

Me: Not the time Cale!

Cale: oh, right. *hooks rope*

Me: is this a game of how many times we can impale the Zawayix?

Cale: it could be

Me: remind me to kill you when I get up

Cale: *drops rope*

Me: OW! Pull me up, damn it!

Cale: not until you promise not to hurt me!

Me: fine, I promise not to hurt you when I get to the top!

Cale: put your right hand over your heart and left hand in the air!

Me: don't make me magically get my nerf darts of doom to shoot you

Cale: what? Oh, right. Fine. *pulls up Z*

Me: thank you. Now, can you get the fleas out of my hair?

Cale: you have fleas? When was the last time you had a bath? *rolls on ground laughing*

* * *

Me: if you have any ideas on how to kill a dead guy, let me know

R&R?


	16. Attempt 6 part 5

Me: longest... attempt... ever... i havn't even really attempted a kidnap yet

Cale: yea, but you've gotten hurt alot

Me: evil fleas -_-

Cale: no, Z does not actually have fleas... i would be verry angery if he did. mainly because i would have them too

Me: the dog across the streat has fleas...

* * *

Attempt 6.8

Fleas… Itchy… GAH!

Cale: thanks for the distraction, by the way. The flock got what they needed.

Me: great… what did they need from Itex anyway?

Cale: no idea. They told me to go save your hide before they found it.

Me: well, they still owe me from negotiations

Max: speeding up your arm healing wasn't enough?

Cale: when did you get here?

Me: I just want to know what you needed to break into Itex to get. I mean, I can't think of anything that would get you guys to go back there… especially anything bad enough to try and get me to help you.

Max: they captured two of our flock members

Me: Ha! Nice try! If you don't recall, the whole flock was there when you were negotiating with me.

Max: no, that was only most of the flock. We got 2 new members recently. Kiyla and… Zawayix.

Me: I was listening. One's named Kiyla. What's the other one's name?

Max: Zawayix!

Me:*turns around* nothing behind me. Are you giving me a hint about something? Can't you just tell me what his name is?

Flock: ZAWAYIX!

Cale: *whispering* I think they're talking about the name of the other flock member

Me: Bull! No way can anybody else be named Zawayix! That's my name! I haven't seen anybody else with it! I even googled it and only got results for me!

Zawayix (yes, the other one): what're we all yelling about?

Me: … this is going to get really confusing

* * *

Me:YAY! arm is healed now... both in the story and in real life. And i'm in a school play! woot! i get to die :D

Cale: YAY! Z gets to die!

Me: which means i'll finally get to punch you in the kidney

Cale: you don't even know where your kidney is

Me:... gosh dang

R&R?


	17. Attempt 6 part the last

Me: Finally done with the flippin' attempt!

Cale: now are you done with the story?

Me: oh, hell no!

Cale: damn...

* * *

Attempt 6.9

Cale: Z, don't

Me: why not? It's the perfect opportunity!

Cale: you just helped them!

Me: and they just helped me. We're even. I don't do "even"

Cale:*eye roll* whatever. I'm not helping you.

I don't care. Actually, I didn't even hear his last sentence. I learned how to laso things with a duck tape rope this morning (you really can find anything on youtube). Guess what the target is!

Me: hey, Max! can I talk with you a second?

Ha! She fell for it and sent the flock away. Aaand… perfect throw! Now, shut her up (duck tape has a million uses). Home we go!

* * *

Me: SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT!

Cale: good job, now we've got a psychotic, bloodthirsty, revenge driven bird-kid in our basement

Me: i know! So awesome!

R&R? (no, the story isn't over yet)


	18. Attempt 7

Me: WE IZ BACK Y'ALL!

sorry forever for me to post, life's been hectic...

Cale: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Me: dude, that was on the 20th

Cale: yea, so?

* * *

Attempt 7.0

Me: ... I'm just saying that sometimes bird kids can be useful

Cale: like for being a pedophile?

Me: ok, seriously, drop the pedophile thing, NOW

Cale: why?

Me: cuz I'll duck tape you to a chair like my ex did to me and repitedly shoot you-

Cale: you've done that before

Me: ... And you will never know the annoyance of having midgets running around your house

Cale: *exited gasp* you're moving out?

Me: ...

Attempt 7.1

Probable confusion: I call children midgets sometimes. I'm not insulting midgets, young people just tend to be kinda short. Doesn't help that I call my brother "Shorty"…

Me: …and short stack, the short one…

Cale: the shortinator?

Me: I might start that one

Cale: You're cruel

Me: so is he

Cale: …Point

I haven't decided what to do about Max yet. I've been feeding her and stuff so she doesn't die. Heck, can't be that bad down there. She has an Xbox.

Me: Hey Max! Dinner!

Max: *attacks from behind door* RAAAAAAAAH!

Me: *dodges all swipes while keeping food on tray perfectly balanced * done yet?

Max: *still attacking*

Me: *still dodging, closes door* I can wait.

She'll calm down eventually. She always does.

Attempt 7.2

Sitting in school is boring…

Mrs. Bourne: (monotone) finantual security is important because…

…blah blah blah. No, I did not spell 'financial' wrong, she actually pronounces it "fi-nan-too-al" *shudder*

Me: Hey, Cale! Do you know how to hack schoolveu?

Cale: I'll learn eventually

Me: damn.

Soooooo bored… and I gotta go to work after this. Grrr. So much for warmachine tonight. I've never actually been able to go, it's on Wednesdays and work LOVES scheduling me for Wednesdays. And Fridays when FNM is going. Yea, I'm a nerd. Get over it.

Me: I wonder how Max is doing

Cale: Want me to go check? Not like I have to be here.

Me: NO! who would I play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock with if you left?

* * *

Me: gotta go, y'all. i'll be back soon, though!

R&R?


	19. Attempt 7 part 2

Me: ok, the official evil bastard of a lifetime award goes to Wing's brother!

Cale: yea, like we didn't see that one coming

Me: i don't know if y'all read the comments on this story, but ignore the last one from wingsofdestruction95. he accidently left his account open and his brother

Cale: here by known as Fag

Me: posted a comment that nether of us liked at all. Clearing things up: i'm straight

Cale: Duh, have you seen how he looks at Kiyla? i mean, jeez

Me: *shooting cale with nerf dart of doom* aaaaanyway, i'm not sure how to remove posts from authors with a login, so it has to stay there. just ignore it

Cale: don't worry, Zawayix will get his revenge eventually

Me: already done

Cale: whaaaaa?

Me: i'll tell you later

* * *

Attempt 7.3

Me: *falls to knees* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cale: over dramatic, much?

Me: Sh's gone… all gone… like… like breakfast… barely knew she was there then… GONE! *starts bawling*

Cale: …wow…

Attempt 7.4

Hey Y'all! Cale here. Z's a little…

Zawayix: *moping in corner* sob…

Yea, that. So, while he's being a little baby, I'm going to a friend's.

Shorty: What's wrong with Z?

Cale: don't worry about it. You can go kick him if you want

Shorty: YAY! *kicks Z*

Zawayix: *becomes very angry, chases Shorty with duck tape noose*

Cale: See ya!

Attempt 7.5

So, since s is still trying to kill Shorty, I'm taking over for this one too. And from now on, I'm Me while talking… Until Zawayix snaps out of it. He's really gotta stop being such a wimp.

Xorics: WAZZAP!

Me: Hey, Soar.

(his name is pronounced Soar-ics)

Xorics: Dude! I TOTALLY found the COOLEST thing after stalking this TOTALLY HOT…

Me: I can give you 5 reasons you need to get to the point *shakes fist*

Xorics: Ah, you're not fun

Me: So, what's the point?

Xorics: the chick I was stalking? She had WINGS dude! You are TOTALLY the luckiest bastard EVER!

Me: …Wait, what?

Xorics: …Ok, she must've been Z's chick then

Me: goddamn…

* * *

Me: Yay for random crap!

Cale: you didn't write half of that chapter

Me: no, but now i know how easy it is to get you to write my chapters for me

Cale: ...

R&R... damn, i need to look up how to say please in other languages


	20. Attempt 7 part 3

Me: I'm baaaaaaack!

Cale: Me toooooo!

Me: ... that's not scarry

Cale: i know!

Me: ... Kiyla's here!

Kiyla: ... *speechless*

Me: say something... please? *puppy dog eyes*

Kiyla: What took you so long?

Me: what do you mean what took me so long?

Kiyla: to post another one?

Me: trying to ENJOY part of my summer!

Kiyla: ... i don't know if you want to post that

Me: meh

Cale: would you two stop making out and just post the flippin story!

* * *

Attempt 7.6

Cale: Z! Z! Xorics found her!

Xorics: … I don't see what the big deal is…

Cale: Just help Z find her!

Xorics: so it IS Z's chick!

Me: *pointing nerf dart of doom gun at Xorics* lead me to her, or else

Xorics: alright! Alright! Don't get too feisty… jeez…

I still don't like this guy… but he knows where Max is, so I've gotta follow him… I hate being dependant on others. Maybe I should give Soar a reward… but I reeeeeally don't want to. Ugh…

Me: could you go down any MORE wrong streets?

Xorics: Dude, chill… Awww dang, dead end…

Me: Ugh…

Cale: patience, Z, if anyone can stalk a girl, it's Soar…

Me: *punches both of them* Xorics, you have half an hour before nerf dart of doom hell!

Xorics: up there!

… Damn

* * *

Kiyla: i hate you, Cale *evil glare* stop making up stories

Me: what did he make up?

Kiyla: *flops onto massage chair* OW!

Me: ... well that was kinda dumb

Kiyla: i'm blonde, what'd you expect?

Me: Blonde AND a straight A student... high five! *raises hand*

Kiyla: *gives high five*

Cale: just end the story... you know you want to *wink wink*

Me: ... *shoots with nerf dart of doom, blacks out screen*

R&R? plz? shweetness!


End file.
